i think ive written in this about a year ago, whats the point. i really dont know.

im in my third year of college, SVA was amazing this year. i have never worked so hard, learned so much and grown so much. it went by within a blink of an eye. i feel like the work is never ending, since im taking summer classes from may untill august. no i havent had one "summer" since i graduated highschool in 2006. which was by far the worst summer of my life, pretty much. however, ive held onto one job for three years. graduating from SVA next may seems like it will never be here, but where do i go from there? i highly doubt ill get a job right away. and money is a passion of mine. i need it and want it. but never seem to have it. anyway, for the most part life is good. im independant in the best and the most that i can be and am almost done with college.

however, within the years of having this ive realized how much iv changed. how my friends have changed and the surroundings around me. i made all of those decisions and im glad i am. ive been torn apart and broken done, used and fucked over by countless people. dont get me wrong, ive done my fair share of fucking over but up untill now i felt guilty for it. now in life, im trying to be selfish. i just want to be happy, if anyone critizes that i could care less. the only things that matter is myself and what i make of my life right now.

many of the memories in this were about a friend who i met early 9th grade. which is around the time i became a xanga member. the first guy who i ever considered a best friend, someone i can truly trust and count on is no longer physically a part of my life. its so unreal, and strange and empty without victor. allthough throughout the years we have slightly drawn apart, we still had a strong bond and what we still called "best friends". i hate not being able to look forward to him coming into a room, party, concert, the mall, i cant even begin. i dont even want to. its just not fair and i hate him for what he did to himself. but i love him for whom he was before this situation. maybe one day my opinion will change, but as i can tell after reading through these entries from the past 6 years, i hate to be neglected, ignored and forgotten. but ill never forget him and hopefully he feels the same, wherever he is. i dont know where, and i hate to admit it but my views on heaven and hell and religion have been questioned so much since april 1, 2009. how will i ever see him again? maybe i need to believe in something because hes the only person i wish was here right now. killing myself would be another answer, to be with him, but that still brings up on where we would be. i dont know and may never know. i feel as if its like santa claus, if i dont believe he wont come...if i dont believe, i may never be with victor again.

thanks for your time.

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

life has gotten so much  better.i got a  3.5 GPA last semester.im working.im driving.im partying.and i have a new man.so booya, now its a new chapter.

 

i wonder what will happen next.

 

ps. im happy